Talking to family and friends about adoption

I have seen many people who are having a hard time talking with their family about their adoption and have gotten mixed reactions from different members of their family and even friends. I just wanted to share our experience and tell what we did. Not that what we did was the one and only way but I felt it helped our family a great deal and thought it might help others.

When I first told my mom we were adopting, she was happy but not thrilled at first like we were. I think this is a natural reaction and looking back now, I should of expected it. The first questions she asked were, why not domestic, why not a country where you can get a child that "resembles" you, why China (later it was Korea). So, below I will give my answers to these questions. I would like to preface this with we have had a lot of support from everyone and very little negativity (that sometimes comes from strangers).

1) Domestic: freaks me out!! All I could think was I did not want to pour my heart and soul into a child to have a birthparent come back 8 years later, on my doorstep and taking my child. I hear the laws have recently gotten better but I was not comfortable and do not think I still am comfortable with the thought of a complete stranger taking my baby. "No, I will not be your permanent baby sitter for 8 years while you get your life together! No, it is not ok to decide you are all of a sudden ready to be a parent." These do not work for me and I WILL NOT take that chance.

2) Resembles: I do not NEED my child to "resemble" me. I am not scared to raise an adopted child and their adoption will not be "hush, hush". All I want is a child to love and that baby does not have to be caucasion or have my chin and his nose or his hair and my fingers.

3) Why China (Korea): Why not?? I know where God is leading me and it is to an Asian country and I know where my child, possibly children are. I will be a mother, we know where our hearts are and we have intuition enough to know where to go to get them. I will go to the ends of the earth or in this case half-way around the world to get my baby.

How to talk to family:
Let them know about your decision. EXPECT questions, they want to make sure you know what you are "getting yourself into", or what they will be getting into. Understand that they may not have the positive language to use to ask the questions they want and some may shy away from asking questions at all. Ask them if they have any questions or concerns. When they ask a question that you think is offensive or upsetting, remember they are expressing themselves and this would be a great oppurtunity to start teaching them positive language and how to use it. Let them express themselves, be prepared to answer some hard questions, let them know that if you don't have the answer that you sure will find one for them. Remember you do not have to convince them of your decision, it is yours to make, not theirs. It is easier though if you address all questions and concerns they have. Bring them into the process and help them understand what you have to do along the way. The more they know, the more they feel included, AGAIN this is your decision, not theirs!! You can always speak to a rep. from your agency and ask if they mind if you bring your family to one of the informational meetings, this will give them the opportunity to ask questions on their own.

I have done the things above and my family is fully on board and are now "comfortable" with OUR decision to adopt. We are all anxiously awaiting our referral. Our family now asks where we are in the process and what the wait time is. If you find your family doing this, don't get annoyed, just know that this is their way of feeling "included" and is an excellent time to talk about the adoption. It is all second nature now with us and you want it to be that way before you bring your baby home.

Like I said, this is what worked for us and our family, each family is different. You MUST show that you are "comfortable" and "excited" about your decision, it rubs off!!

Also remember, family will TRY to UNDERSTAND what you are going through but unless they have been there themselves, they CAN'T. Having a chat group or an adoption support group is great because they KNOW what you are going through and can help GUIDE you in the right direction.

Friends:
All of our friends are excited for us and cant wait to meet our little one once we get them. They too will have questions, these you can field differently based on your friendship and if they are really a friend or more like an aquaintance.

Strangers:
Keep in mind they too may not know the positive adoption language to use so be cautious and see where they are going with the conversation. Many are clueless to the process and may actually be considering adoption themselves, I have found this a lot!! Some can just be a little nasty or rude but you know, they are a stranger and it in nun-yah!! You don't have to tell your business if you don't want to, you can just walk away if you feel the urge. I would not recommend that you make a habit of it as you will have even more questions and strangers to deal with once you get your child but again, it really is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!!